The Mrs. here - Tuppy’s at the car wash and left his laptop unguarded 😁. I'm seizing this opportunity to share the unfiltered truth about his creaky antiques. Excuse this being a day early - don’t want him editing it 😊.
I like cars as much as the next girl - which is to say, not nearly as much as Tuppy. Sure, I can admire their style, but I’m more about practicality and reliability. Living with his vintage (read: prehistoric) fleet isn’t always a picnic. Our unspoken rule is: he buys them, he drives them. Frankly, it's a win-win situation for me - who wants to grapple with a 5-metre relic in today's traffic?
Sadly, my own passion (more on that later) often lands me as chauffeur of last resort. Consequently, I find myself saddled with driving at the most inconvenient times. In fact the very first time I drove Bertie was on such an occasion. We’d been to a party where Tuppy imbibed a bit more than was good for him, and quick as a flash the keys were in my hand.
The conditions were far from ideal for a maiden voyage in an automotive museum piece. It was a dark November night; the route consisted of narrow, winding, unlit country lanes; and it was raining (of course). Oh, and then three drunken old men piled in the back, swearing they lived “on the way.” No pressure, right?
Do you know how to switch on the high beam in a 50-year-old car? “Use the button on the floor,” said a rather jolly Tuppy. “The FLOOR?” I asked incredulously. “Just slide your left foot around; you’ll feel it.” I groped around with my foot while the backseat chorus chimed in with useless advice. “Piece of cake,” I growled and hovered over it until we got home.
Bertie's control layout clearly emerged from the imagination of someone who despises human intuition. Take the boot release: in the glovebox? Or the courtesy light: pull the headlight switch! And is any of this labelled? Good heavens, no! That would spoil the daily 'Guess Which Button Does What' game that keeps our marriage exciting. I could read the manual, but I’d rather he read mine - coincidentally called The Off Switch.
Speaking of which, do me a favour - please buy it. If he’d read it I might not have to step-in and drive so often - or at least he’d have more money to waste on decrepit cars. If you'd be kind enough to buy a copy (a mere two quid on Amazon today), I might even slip Tuppy a percentage to buy more car gadgets to bore you with 🙂.
By the way, the book has a companion ‘app’. Tuppy coded it; I held Bertie’s keys hostage until he finished 🙂. You can find it on the AppStore and PlayStore - it’s easier to navigate than Bertie - which isn’t saying much!