Gone

For the better?

We spend an awful lot of time wanging on about all the standard equipment crammed into modern cars: touchscreens the size of a small cinema, heated everything, and enough driver aids to make a fighter pilot feel inadequate. But have we stopped to consider what we’ve lost - and why?

Some losses are inevitable. Modern powertrains are so fiendishly complicated that attempting your own maintenance without a £40,000 diagnostic computer is basically impossible. Maybe that’s why cars no longer come with toolkits - what would be the point? Relatedly, the choke has gone. Fuel injection is infinitely cleverer than some cable connected to a flappy bit in the carburettor.

But whatever happened to a proper spare wheel? Not one of those pathetic space-saver things that looks like it belongs on a shopping trolley, but a real wheel you can actually drive on. Worse still are the spray cans of gunk to temporarily fix a puncture. Then again, given the average intelligence on the roads these days, perhaps it’s safer that there’s no jack.

Less forgivable is the disappearance of bumpers - or, more precisely, bumpers that serve any purpose. In case you’ve forgotten, bumpers used to let you bump into another car, wall, or bollard (or cyclist) without damage. Today’s cars lack such technology; the slightest touch results in scratches or scuffs on your paint. It’s almost as if manufacturers have decided your car should double as a revenue stream for their dealers.

Then there’s the reserve tank - that magical extra bit of fuel that appeared when the gauge hit empty, giving you another twenty miles to find a garage and stave off the memsahib’s worried glances. Some Jaguars went one better and gave you two proper tanks, with a glorious dashboard switch to swap between them. Class.

And while we’re on the subject of lost style: vinyl roofs. The kind that made a Jaguar look like it was wearing a tuxedo. Gone. Vinyl seats too - the legendary MB-Tex that laughed in the face of children, dogs, and spilt Kia-Ora. These days, it’s all called “vegan leather,” which is marketing bollocks for plastic that somehow costs more and wears worse. In these enlightened times, even your steering wheel has to have a conscience.

The car wireless has also undergone significant change - mostly for the better? Built-in is now de rigueur, with no chance to upgrade, fix, or nick. Hence, no more detachable faceplates to lug around whenever you park in a dodgy neighbourhood. Electric aerials, which impressed no one, have also risen their last - even the ones that automatically extended when you turned the wireless on ( another switch gone from the dashboard).

Then there’s the car ‘phone - the ultimate 1980s option that screamed “I’ve arrived” before you’d even left the drive. A massive box of electronics in the boot, wired to a proper handset in the car. They even had hands-free calling before anyone worried about such things. And best of all, they actually worked. Unlike today’s digital wonders, where even walking around the garden mainly features “Can you hear me now?” Ah, glorious 1G (ETACS in the UK, AMPS in the US). It was good to talk.

The absentee that really gets my pip is the ashtray. Corporate virtue-signalling, so fixated on social engineering that it ignores the 15% of the civilised world that enjoys a fag while driving (30% in places like Turkey, Greece, and Stockport). Nothing says “we care about your health” like a manufacturer telling you their cars can do 140 mph while clutching their pearls over a Marlboro Light. The resulting loss of the cigarette lighter is another setback for parents: how is one supposed to brand recalcitrant children?

So, excuse me while I accidentally bump a snowflake EV, and fill Bertie’s five super-bowl-sized ashtrays.